“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear–not absence of fear. ”

–Mark Twain

I’ve been rather quiet this month. Life has been busy, there’ve been hard choices to make, and I really just needed time to do some internal processing about all the changes going on.

The benefit of a daily practice is that once it becomes ingrained, you tend to do it anyway, even when life falls apart around you. And so my daily reiki and prayers continue to be my way to wind down in the evenings, as I try to bring a  little more peace and order into what’s become chaos.

The last year has been a year of changes - of learning to overcome fear to make the changes that need to be made, and to have the strength to stand behind those decisions. This month’s decision: The business largely needs to go, because it takes up all our time, and we’re going to need that time for the baby. This was a really hard choice, since I’ve long seen this business as something spiritually important to me. But it’s time to move on to other things.

A friend recently complained that he feels like he’s from no where - all the places important to his childhood are, one by one, disappearing, and it seems to be leaving him feeling adrift and alone.

I’ve been in his shoes; but I’ve found it much better to build on my own internal strength. I have found my place, and made it my own, and no matter what happens to the things surrounding my life, I have a place to go home to, because it’s here in my head and my heart.

There is peace to be found in our daily rituals, and strength in our faith. Fear may still find us from time to time, but by planting our own roots, and letting them grow deep and strong in our faith and our rituals, we have the strength to master the fear, do what we need to do, and improve our lives.

Last Friday, I went to my first “group” full moon ritual (actually, my first group ritual of any sort) in over a year.

Between my initiation at Imbolc last year, and the directions my coven was heading at the time, I felt I needed a break to get my own house in order before continuing with that group, much less any group. I’ve done ritual by myself for nearly every full moon and new moon since, but a recent invitation to attend this ritual (and to keep attending if I so choose) was too good to pass up, especially coming nearly a year to the day after committing to a year away from group ritual.

The nice thing about this particular ritual was that it was hosted by my upline - the teachers of my now former high priestess. Most of the women there were people I’d circled with before - and because most of the group consisted of old friends, news of my pregnancy was met with hugs and smiles and love.  It was maybe the most truely Dianic ritual I’d been to for some time before my sabbatical. The two hostesses are older women - partners, grandmothers - and they’ve been at this a long, long time.

While solitary ritual has it’s place…group ritual is good too. Dianic rituals have a feel of bounded chaos, because you never really know what the woman standing next to you or across from you will decide to do; what particular flavor of energy she will call on or bring to the rite, what words or images she will evoke, and where they will take you. And while this ritual had no meditation…I didn’t miss it either. It had connections between people, and a joyful energy that sang through the group, raising both the good and bad of life up as signs that we still live. There was energy drawn for healing - healing for one of the hostesses who has some major complications from chronic illness, healing of stress and angst, and a lot of energy for me and the baby, which brought a lot of joy to all those present. It was a place where this pregnancy could be celebrated without diminishing the times I’ve sat in circle, surrounded by some of these same women, and wept over the journey of infertility - a very healing, very needed experience for me.

I should point out that pregnancy has been quite the spiritual experience for me thus far overall. Mindfulness of the current moment has been a big lesson here - pregnancy changes day by day, so no two days are the same, and it’s made me more attentive to the rest of life around me, and how it too must be savored right now, because the next minute is a different one to savor before it too is gone.

Pregnancy has also become a source of a deeper faith - I received what I was promised, which makes my trust just that much stronger, and I have a new understanding of my primary matron, Arianrhod. I once rejected her because she was just a fertility goddess, then I embraced the fact that she was so much more…and now I see it all from a different perspective, which both blends those two understandings, and invalidates them at the same time. Embracing her as “more” than a mother goddess invalidates that facet of her, just as dismissing her as “just” a fertility goddess invalidated the rest of her.

One of our hostesses drew down the moon, which is something I’d never actually seen done in a group setting, and never really attempted myself. But the experience…was fascinating, and wonderful, and I spent the whole ritual feeling the moon riding point on our journey. One interesting experience as part of drawing down the moon was *feeling* the moon filling me, filling my growing belly, taking that light and reflecting it through me, and incorporating itself into me. Having not done this while not pregnant, it’s hard to say how it would differ, but each part I played in the ritual had a similar effect - a connection I had not really felt before opened up to me. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention before, or maybe I just wasn’t reaching out and grabbing hold of that thread - or maybe it really wasn’t there before. But it’s definitely there now.

At any rate, I think I’m back on the bandwagon when it comes to women’s circles for the full moon, and plan to go circle with them as frequently as is practical. The drive isn’t any worse than any of the various incarnations of my previous coven. The connections are an important part of the energy involved, and community, in some form, is an important part of any spiritual practice. I will most likely still do new moons by myself - it’s a different energy, and one that strikes me as more suited to personal development and personal pursuits.

I originally wrote most of this (using the title “Fluffy Wicca: More Misogynistic than Christianity” – can you tell I was really angry at the time?) back in April of 2003 on a yahoo group that was focused on venting about fluffy Wiccan tendencies. Out of the responses to that, I created http://www.paganinfertilityadoption.net, a community for Pagans dealing with infertility, miscarriage, adoption, and related issues.

After 5 years of trying (and not trying), drugs, procedures, and doctors, I’m finally pregnant, with only minimal medical intervention. But what that’s given me is a space to look back on the things I’ve said and done in the process of getting here, to try to heal some of what’s come before – and that healing process is going to take a lot of time and effort. I find it more important than ever to speak out about the way our community handles these sorts of issues, because if we are to be a viable community, we have to treat all of our members with respect, courtesy, and dignity. While my positions on things have softened with time, I still find that much of our community just can’t deal with infertility - the facts have not changed in the nearly 5 years since I originally wrote this.

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It seems to me that modern Wicca is, by and large, nothing more than a fertility cult. Just about every Wiccan symbol other than the pentacle is a fertility symbol - triple moons, moons with horns, the Great Rite and so on. I can’t speak for the BTW crowd on this - maybe they are much the same way, maybe they aren’t. But most of modern Wicca, pseudo-Wicca, and Wiccanesque belief revolves around fertility. And many of these people use the word “Pagan” when they mean “Wiccan” or “Wiccanesque,” which further complicates the matter. Many of those following these beliefs claim they left Christianity because it is misogynistic, but I submit that not only is Wicca more misogynistic in many ways, but it is also misandristic as well.

Look at the main rituals and holidays. There are 13 full moons (generally working rituals that celebrate “The Goddess”), but there are only 8 Sabbats (generally, celebrations of “The God”). So “The Goddess” gets more holidays, but has to work on all of them. I bet “The God” feels left out.

Additionally, “The God,” in his 8 rituals, is born, grows up, has sex, and dies. Men, do you feel that’s a fair characterization of your lives?

And between the “triple Goddesses are everywhere” syndrome, and the idea that every Goddess fits into the maiden, mother, or crone paradigm, and the fact that all “The Goddess” does in the Sabbats is get laid, get pregnant, and give birth, it seems that the only way for women within Wicca and Wicca-like religions to identify with “The Goddess” is by having kids. What if, by chance or by choice, you don’t have kids? What sort of a place does a childless woman have in a religion where the main way to identify with the deity is through childbirth? What about those who adopt? All the “mother” goddess images I’ve seen lately involve pregnant women – this is the primary way we denote motherhood in society, after all.

That’s worse than only having one gender of deity. Now, not only do I have to be the right gender, but I have to give birth. By their own logic, that’s the only way women can identify with this mythology.

The Wicca-like crowd doesn’t know what to do with people who don’t have kids. If you don’t have kids, there must be something wrong with you - maybe you’re not really Pagan.

When it comes to trying to have kids and infertility, the single thread in any message board or email list usually consists of statements like “I did this spell, and I got pregnant within a month” and “burn candles like this, and then quit trying to get pregnant, and you will” (huh? So now they’re are preaching about virgin births? Doesn’t having sex without the appropriate counter-measures count as “trying to get pregnant”?). When the topic of medical reasons for not being able to get pregnant comes up, the response is almost always that you don’t really need medical help - you just need to do more spells. Occasionally someone mentions herbs, but they all quote from the same book, and the number of copyright violations (much less the number of incorrect statements) out there is astronomical

I’m sure this whole rant comes out of frustration on my part. My apparent choices for having children any time in the foreseeable future consist of (1) take fertility drugs, or (2) adopt. This is not a light decision - twins run in my family, on both sides of the family, and the Gods seem to have this rather twisted sense of humor at times (let’s face it - the family with septuplets took the standard fertility drug that is given as a first attempt at increasing fertility). Additionally, fertility drugs are considerably more dangerous than the average person realizes - and I’ve spent a lot of time getting my health in order so that I could be on the bare minimum of medications, so adding more isn’t high on my list of fun things to do.

There aren’t many Pagan events, e-mail lists, or websites that aren’t Wiccanesque - so looking for anything on the subject that might be related to religion and spirituality involves dealing with this single-minded crowd. And there aren’t many Pagan sites of any level of seriousness related to infertility or adoption. Most of the Pagan boards about fertility are about being pregnant, or about people with kids. In one group I found for those without kids, most people were talking about all the crap they take from those who do have kids, and the fact that they often didn’t go to events because of it. I don’t want the rest of my life to be like that, but at the rate things are going, it may be the only sane thing to do.

So, the practice of religion. It’s an odd thing; I’ve rarely discussed this with anyone before, and it’s actually a little intimidating - so much of what I do is based on my own trial and error, which was based on reading and listening (and a very tiny bit of group ritual experience). I didn’t start out as a newbie Pagan in a Wicca 101 class - in fact, I had been on this path several years before reading anything by Scott Cunningham or Silver Ravenwolf - so my starting point often seems to be on another planet from many of those around me

In fact, my first official starting point was ceremonial magick - it was hauntingly familiar, almost like a favorite old quilt, given my strict German Lutheran upbringing. The archangels and demons were not so familiar (though the concepts were known to me, having many German Catholic friends who I discussed religion with over recess). But I always saw ceremonial magick as something not to be taken lightly, and I wanted to be sure that I understood the situation before actually attempting much in the way of workings. Interestingly, by the time I got comfortable enough with the material to think about actually using it, I’d realized that wasn’t where I belonged.

Before ceremonial magick, there was meditation and astral travel – things I’d done as a young teen interested in ESP. Somewhere along the way, I put all the toys on a shelf due to a bad experience, and I left them there until I was in my early twenties.

But that’s neither here nor there. At this point, what is it that I do, religion wise?

I tried doing daily prayers for a while. I’d keep up with it a few weeks, and then something would get in the way. I also tried for a long while to smudge when I came home from work. While it’s relaxing after a stressful day, getting in the habit of doing it every day instead of getting on with the things I needed to do was really a struggle. I tried doing the LBRP, but I have a really hard time with anything that requires rote memorization, and to this day I have to have a cheat sheet to get all the words correct.

What’s worked best the last couple of months has actually revolved around 2 changes in my life – in December I learned Reiki, and in early January I learned that I was pregnant, after five years of trying and 2 different doctors.

That change required a substantial change in thinking and in how I see myself, because it was nearly incomprehensible after all the time spent working through the infertility mess. My mundane daily routine has had to shift because of this – I need more sleep, I need to eat smaller portions more frequently, and not eat some things that I would normally eat. I have to be more aware of my overall energy levels, and what I’m doing with the energy I do have.

Interestingly, these shifts have included finally getting into a groove when it comes to daily practice. When I lay down to go to sleep at night, I spend some time grounding and centering, and then Reiki myself and the baby (and actually, I saw a green spot in my second chakra about four days before I knew I was pregnant, which I’ve since realized is the baby) – sometimes a full body scan, sometimes just one or two spots that need help. And if I’m still awake by then, some brief meditation and a round of thanks to my matron Goddesses and any others who I ought to acknowledge. It’s working out to be a good way to deal with stress from work, the business, and the crazy body-changing and life-changing events that go with pregnancy.

The other not-quite daily ritual I have revolves around our living room, which is the space that most clearly defines “family” for me. The mantle above the fireplace became a sort of impromptu altar a couple years back, with a pillar candle of some sort, a regular supply of nag champa incense, and a block with spaces for seven tea lights. On a regular basis (at least once a week, and sometimes every day), I light the pillar candle and a stick of incense, with a short prayer asking anyone who’s listening (particularly land/household spirits/minor gods) for happiness and safety for me and mine – my family (both by blood and by choice), and any other minor requests for the household. When the mood strikes, I use tea lights to represent specific requests at the same time.

More on my practices to come in the following weeks.

I’ve got a workshop I do from time to time on why groups fail. One of the things I talk about is group stability. What makes a group hold together, and what makes it fall apart.

There are lots of articles and lists out there that tell you what sort of things to look out for when choosing a Pagan group to work with. The Coven Abuse Self Help Index (CASHI) and the Advanced Bonewits’ Cult Danger Evaluation Frame  are the two most frequently referenced.

One thing I’ve noticed a lot on this subject that doesn’t seem to be in either of those documents is that the leadership (be it rotating elected leaders, or a dedicated High Priest and/or High Priestess) need to follow the things they’ve said the group will do. That is, the group needs a mission statement that guides decisions and it needs leaders who do what they say they are going to do.  If not, you should consider avoiding the group, because otherwise you will be caught up in their drama

I really believe that groups need a statement of what they are and what they’re doing. Without that purpose, what’s the point of the group existing? Furthermore, the purpose needs to be the driving force behind the group’s choices – are you really doing what the group is meant to do, or are you pulling it off course.

Leaders who change the direction of the group without input of those that are supposed to have input are bad leaders. Frankly, changing the direction of the group without consulting most of the group, whether or not they are in the chain of command, is bad leadership.

Leaders need to lead. If they drop things in someone else’s lap (rather than delegating appropriately), they can’t complain about the way the job gets done later. If you’re teaching people to lead, teach by example, and by giving them small opportunities first, then bigger ones, rather than throwing them into the deep end of the pool and hoping they make it back out.

If a group has guidelines on advancement, they should be followed. Playing favorites isn’t a good way for a group to be stable, it just breeds resentment. Worse, initiating people just so they’ll stay in the group, even when they aren’t ready, does no one any favors – not the initiate, and not those already initiated into the group. If attendance is required, then it’s required, unless there are other provisions for make-ups. Without consistency here, the group has no assurances that its initiates are actually all at the same level, or all capable of the work presented for a given event.

I have no problem with occasional exceptions to the rules, when every decision is an exception, the rules are meaningless. If the rules are meaningless, why are there rules to begin with? And if there are no rules, what’s the point of the group? And isn’t that the whole point of group stability