Back at the beginning of the year, I talked about how I wanted things to be different – I wanted more spiritual things, I wanted more connection to the community.

Let’s just say that what I got was not anything at all like what I had in mind….but I think it will work out in the end. We’re having quite the year of changes here. Complicated changes, both good and bad. My preschooler has had most of his medical issues resolved, so we’re moving forward now without his long-term nurses – a challenge for all of us. My new baby girl is hanging out in the NICU  well past her due date, much like my son did (though hopefully for not nearly as long).

Through it all, though, I feel the presence of the Goddess I generally refer to by the epithet “Big, Dark, and Scary,” one of my two matrons.  If there’s one thing she’s known for, it’s breaking old patterns that are no longer useful so that new ones can arise…and that’s certainly how this year has gone thus far. (Don’t get me wrong – it’s not over yet by a long shot, and I’m not expecting it to get any better before the year is up.)

Sometimes it’s her hand on my shoulder, guiding me calmly and gently. Sometimes she’s offered options – this path or that? Sometimes she’s dragging me along kicking and screaming. Have you read the Goddess version of the classic “Footprints in the Sand” poem? It’s “Butt Prints in the Sand,” and as you’ll understand when you read it, I think we’ve had some of that this year too:

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of the Goddess they were,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Her, “What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet.”
“My child,” She said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”
“You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.
“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”
–Author unknown

I don’t quite know where this journey is leading. I know I’ve started working on creating more local community for myself. And working on supporting other families with preemies, now that we have a second one. I know I’m thinking more and more about how to build spirit and faith into everyday things, given our lack of time for more specific rituals. I know I want my kids to have faith and a framework for it to grow on. I’m trying to figure out where this life of ours is headed – what I want it to look like – because the first step in manifesting something is to figure out what you plan to manifest.

I just have to figure out where we’re going and how to get there, and my matron Goddesses are pretty good at pointing the way when I need a helping hand and am ready to do the work.

Born of Water:
Cleansing, Powerful,
Healing, Changing,
I am.

A variety of things are going on here, and I frequently find myself overwhelmed and out of sorts – so much so, that there are days I wake up in the morning  from a sound sleep, already touched-out and feeling like I’ve been around too many people in too small a room for too long a time. Since my husband and I share a master bedroom suite bigger than some apartments I’ve had over the years, that’s a problem.

I’ve often said that one of the uses of magickal tools is to help us reach the right ritual state. While I don’t use a lot of tools….I keep them around for times where I need a little extra boost. Lately, the tool I’ve drug out of storage has been the ritual bath – or the ritual shower, as it generally ends up at our house.

One of my primary matrons is tied to flowing water, and a ritual shower, for me, has long been a quick way to connect with Her. Flowing water balances the shields and chakras, bringing fresh energy in and washing away what’s no longer needed. It helps me center, helps me ground – helps me shrug off the excess energy that builds up in that over-stimulated state.

What things do you do to help you find your center when things get rough?

Normally, you’re supposed to magickally clean things out at Samhain, so you’re ready to plant in the spring. Instead, we’re having spring and summer cleaning here – really, it’s likely to be all year cleaning, which makes some sense, given the instability we’ve had the last 2 years with my son’s medical condition. Things have built up, and we need to figure out what’s working and what’s not so that we can move forward.

This year, we’ve sold off the remnants of our Pagan wholesaling business. I’ve shut down one ill-timed writing project. I’m closing up my baby sign language classes. I’ve shut down a number of websites, left a lot of groups and message boards, and spent a lot of time conserving energy.

At the same time, I’ve been planting a few new seeds, in corners of my life, to see what takes root and what doesn’t. Things that make me happy and things for my family are at the top of the priority list. We’re hoping for some great strides on the medical front over the next year, and we will see where that leaves us.

So, with that, Happy Solstice, one and all – I hope that this next turn of the wheel brings you everything you desire.

Long time, no post. It has been a rather complicated year, with the baby spending more than 9 months in the hospital, my husband breaking his leg in a car accident, and so on and so on. It’s kind of put spiritual life on hold, because there’s just been too many other things that needed to be dealt with.

But it’s time to get reorganized, and get things back into a more regular rhythm.

I’ve been studying with FWTI’s degree program, which has been interesting. Having things rooted in our household rather than in a coven out there somewhere is a good place for me right now – I often don’t have the time or energy to put things together to go somewhere else, and even when I do, I have to leave my son with my husband – we have no one who can babysit,  because of his medical issues  – and that takes up one of my “credits” for time that I will take solo baby duty.

Another thing I’ve been studying this past few months is Zen Buddhism. I really like the zen approach to dealing with suffering – separating emotions from events. Not that emotions aren’t important, but I have a bad habit of getting tied up in the emotion, rather than dealing with it and moving on.

For the record: me and antidepressants have some issues…like not being able to write or meditate. There’s a fine line between enough meds to cope with major issues, and too much. I gave up on them again a few months ago, and I suspect I will be working on more effective ways for me to deal with life.

For now though, I am feeling more connected to my Gods than I have in months, more whole, more comfortable in my skin, and more at peace with where I am on the path. I do not need power over others to be powerful. I do not need to stand in my own way of manifesting the things I need and want. I am beautiful, and I am Goddess – and so are all of you.

I apologize for not updating lately – I’ve been spending way too much time at the hospital with our little boy, who is now right at 3 months old (his due date would have been this Friday) and still on a pretty hefty amount of O2 support to breathe well.

We only got one “Pagan” gift from our various friends -an Egyptian protection amulet, hand-crafted by a close friend. Actually, come to think of it, that (and the rest of the stuff that came with it) and a gift that’s being mailed this week are the *only* gifts from our friends-we-met-by-being-Pagan. Funny how community works, don’t you think?

I’ve been reading some of my backlog of Pagan books, and I’ve realized that some of the authors I know are not really that good at writing, they just had the gumption to write and get it published. This is an important lesson.

Another important lesson: some SSRIs make it impossible for me to write. This is a bad thing.

Anyway, now that I’m getting things pulled together and am coping a little better, I should hopefully be back on the writing bandwagon in the next week or two. Happy equinox next week to all those who celebrate it.