I’ve been thinking a lot about infertility and religion here lately. After taking the summer off to deal with getting my thyroid and insulin levels back to normal, we’ve back on the fertility treatment rollercoaster as of the first of October.
Truth be told, this time it’s caused a crisis of faith. Why now? I mean, we’ve been through the drug regimen 3 times thus far. I think it’s because I realize that there are no more excuses. Everything is as good as it’s going to get, and if in the next few months I don’t ovulate while taking clomid, that’s it…we’re not going any further.
After all the rituals, all the prayers, all the offerings, all the meditations where I’ve been shown my children and my future, all the tarot readings that show children in my future…I’m at a point where the number of options are quickly being reduced to nothing.
And if I’ve seen all those things, made all those prayers, and it doesn’t work?
It’s hard not to see it as a sign that everything spiritual in my life has been a lie; has been something I’ve made up. And if so….then I lose my faith entirely.
And that’s something of a problem. I depend on my faith a lot in my daily life. Each and every day I get up, offer greetings to the day, and live my life largely based on being right with my Gods and right with the world around me, and the Gods are never far from my thoughts.
At this point, after several friends spent several days talking me out of my panic, I keep on with the same patterns. As one friend says, “have they lied to you before? No? Then what makes you think they’re lying now? Things happen when they’re meant to happen. This will happen too, just maybe not on your timeline.”
And I will say this: the energy is different this time. I feel different this time.
So, here’s to modern medicine.