Back at the beginning of the year, I talked about how I wanted things to be different – I wanted more spiritual things, I wanted more connection to the community.
Let’s just say that what I got was not anything at all like what I had in mind….but I think it will work out in the end. We’re having quite the year of changes here. Complicated changes, both good and bad. My preschooler has had most of his medical issues resolved, so we’re moving forward now without his long-term nurses – a challenge for all of us. My new baby girl is hanging out in the NICU well past her due date, much like my son did (though hopefully for not nearly as long).
Through it all, though, I feel the presence of the Goddess I generally refer to by the epithet “Big, Dark, and Scary,” one of my two matrons. If there’s one thing she’s known for, it’s breaking old patterns that are no longer useful so that new ones can arise…and that’s certainly how this year has gone thus far. (Don’t get me wrong – it’s not over yet by a long shot, and I’m not expecting it to get any better before the year is up.)
Sometimes it’s her hand on my shoulder, guiding me calmly and gently. Sometimes she’s offered options – this path or that? Sometimes she’s dragging me along kicking and screaming. Have you read the Goddess version of the classic “Footprints in the Sand” poem? It’s “Butt Prints in the Sand,” and as you’ll understand when you read it, I think we’ve had some of that this year too:
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of the Goddess they were,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Her, “What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet.”
“My child,” She said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”
“You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.
“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”
I don’t quite know where this journey is leading. I know I’ve started working on creating more local community for myself. And working on supporting other families with preemies, now that we have a second one. I know I’m thinking more and more about how to build spirit and faith into everyday things, given our lack of time for more specific rituals. I know I want my kids to have faith and a framework for it to grow on. I’m trying to figure out where this life of ours is headed – what I want it to look like – because the first step in manifesting something is to figure out what you plan to manifest.
I just have to figure out where we’re going and how to get there, and my matron Goddesses are pretty good at pointing the way when I need a helping hand and am ready to do the work.